Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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