I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
