youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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