you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
