And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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