So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
