We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
