There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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