I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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