Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
