There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
