I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
