Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
