Don't make out with my wife yet
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
