how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
