The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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