finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
