I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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