She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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