So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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