apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and she was petting her beer can
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
