I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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