end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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