i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
