she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
