she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
