Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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