I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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