i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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