I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
