Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
