We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
