So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
