I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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