The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
