I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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