Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
