so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
