I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
