Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
