I wish I could punch you in the face.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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