youre lurking in front of me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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