your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
