This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
