My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
