I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
