Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We had to coat check the pizza.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
