thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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