you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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