i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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