I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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