its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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